I have a little demon in me,
it roars for freedom.
It wants out.
I cannot keep it in me, not bottled up inside.
I have a little demon in me,
It wants out!
I cannot be a child of light,
with this li'l demon in me.
This little demon,
it makes me wanna hurt people,
Insult them 'n use sarcasm.
This li'l demon,
it makes me do bad things,
not just to myself, but others as well
I have a little demon in me,
I want it out!
I cannot be what I want,
with this li'l demon in me.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi again, Me Against the World! June here again!
Yay! This reminds me of a short story of mine that's in progress. It's called "The Monster in Me," and it basically talks about my struggle with anger and blame-- the monster being the anger and blame that I mentioned. So, to find this was really a surprise-- and in inspiration to finish that story...
Anyway! Now to critique...
As Darko above me mentioned, li'l is incorrect. Li'l is slang for little-- obviously-- and it's... well, it's honestly okay to use it, and we can't say that it is incorrect, because this is poetry, but! Are you really bringing more to the poem by not using "little"?
The second line here makes me smile, really. It's like, the anger of the demon is rising, and they cannot take it.
In the last line, I'm not sure that "not" is necessary. It's already implied that you cannot be-- so, removing "not" would make the flow easier, and keep the same meaning, dear
In the second line here, the pronoun "it" is not necessary. I would suggest removing it, because it's jumbling the lines for the audience, making it confusing.
In the last line, aswell should be written as two words; as well.
Again, in this last line, I don't think that "not" is necessary. If you remove it, it'll aid the flow of the words, making things easier for us.
And! Don't forget your end punctuation mark. Can't just leave an open line, dear
Overall, I enjoyed this:
Firstly, because I can relate. I kind of feel that it is patience that would kill the demon, but at the same time, while you know you need patience, you just can't have any for the moment, and just want the demon to leave
And, I like the rhythmic repetition here. Whether you keep it as li'l, or change it to little, it's great.
Again, well done. Keep it up!
June
Welcome to YWS, a world of confusion, pain and happiness...
First of all, this repetitions are ruining the whole atmosphere and rhythm too.
Secondly, from where did this demon come from? Why is it in you?
Thirdly, in the third stanza you have 6 verses. Why? Every other stanza has four of them.